To SS, with Love

It's been five days since we heard that you are no longer with us. I was outside shopping, when I got the call from R. After that, everything went blurry. Nothing was making sense and the tears wouldn't stop flowing. Now, I think I have accepted it as something that cannot be changed or undone and have stopped replaying what might have happened in my mind. I still have trouble sleeping at nights and I insist that A sleeps after I have fallen asleep, but I will be ok in a while. Everybody is scrambling around to make sure that you reach your parents as soon as possible. It's been hard, you know, trying to focus on what needs to be done and controlling emotions at the same time. I think everyone is going back and forth.

Yesterday, I finally plucked up the courage to speak to your parents. I think my words sounded really shallow. Nothing that anyone says can make it any easier for them. Your father and sister were uncontrollable. I could not say anything to pacify them. Your mother said that she didn't want to cry atleast for your sake, because you had never liked people to cry and get emotional. But I think she broke down at the end of our conversation. I shudder at the thought of what's going to happen when they see you. I will pray..

The last few days, I have been thinking about you all the time. About the time we spent together during our childhood, when we were growing up, when I lived with your family for a year or so, college years and, finally, when all of us came here together to this country. I think my earliest memory of you is playing 'Ram-Lakshman-Sita' with you and V at Kodam. And 'Bon-Bon' candies! A starting laughing when I told him about this. I, actually, googled and showed him that there were, indeed, candies called 'Bon-Bon' when we were kids. A says it must have been a Madrasi candy...bah! Anyway, this was in Nungam. All the kids wanted this candy, we used to love them. I guess, V always got to pick what he wanted since he was the youngest. So, that left you, R and me. I don't know what the older kids were upto. Both of us picked the candy of choice, and saved the wrappers. When R came along, we gave her some other candies wrapped up in Bon-Bon wrappers!!! She was so mad at us when she found out! And I have some vague memories of all of us playing at the Gill Nagar house as well.

No family gathering is going to be the same again, without you. I will always remember the fun we used to have during festivals, especially Diwali. Getting together in one house, getting up early for the oil-bath and crackers afterward. WWF (you and V were so much into it), Super Mario, Formula One talk, all the leg-pulling, these are just few of the things that I will always associate with you. All the weekends, during college years, that I spent with you and the others.

And when we came here - we shared something special, didn't we? Atleast the first couple of years, when all of us would take the time to call each other up and have those long conference calls. And the trips - Niagara, Atlanta - they were so special. Can never forget them, especially Niagara. You drove all the way and back, and laughed at R & me, when we took the wheel for a few miles. You said we drove too slow. I am a lot better now, you know. No trip with everyone is going to be the same again.

I am also feeling a lot of guilt. That I didn't make more time for you. Or anybody else. I have been so wrapped up in my own little life, always postponing making calls, taking people for granted, thinking that they will always be there. And to think we met you just over a month back. Meeting you after so long had made me feel so good, and I wanted all of us to get together soon. Like old times. But you are gone....just like that.

I miss you too much. RIP, SS.